Double Feature

The usual occasion arose to change my baby’s diaper, so I began my routine.  I placed her on the changing pad, took off the dirty diaper and began to wipe up her processed meal.  When the area was clear of excrement I placed all the used wipes in to the dirty diaper, closed it and threw it away.  I grabbed the new diaper and began to attach it to her; the moment I picked up her legs to apply the diaper I was overwhelmed by a barrage of flatulence.  Knowing what might potentially follow I kicked my reaction time in to hyper speed, trying to do my best to cover the threatening area.  My best just wasn’t good enough this time and a hearty flow of feces catapulted on to the front of the new diaper, all over the changing pad and my hands.  Totally overwhelmed by the sneak attack I called in for reinforcements.  My wife arrived at the scene, relieved me of my post so that I could wash my hands and started cleaning up the explosion.  While I was washing my hands I heard a loud shrilling scream come from the disaster area.  I quickly dried my hands and bolted towards the scream.  The sight I saw took me a moment to process; a milky substance soaked my baby’s entire torso.  “She spit up EVERYWHERE!” my wife said laughing in a mildly disgusted manner following it up with  “ It’s bath time”.  With that said my wife undressed the baby and started to take her to the kitchen while I started cleaning up the mixture of bodily products.  On their way to the kitchen an eruption of flatulence started again.  Quick on her feet, my wife cupped the baby’s bottom with her hand hoping nothing more would be extracted.   Unfortunately for her that wasn’t the case and her hand was quickly filled with more fecal matter.  While this was happening my wife made a quick detour to the bathroom and held the baby over the toilet allowing her to finish her bowel movement, which she did in the toilet. Once the baby emptied all her storage compartments the bath occurred and everything was copacetic.